bytch starts here

love is painful

stupid.
that is why i am feeling now.
why do i care so much about you?
you who i don't know well enough to love?
because you give me love.
because you give me attention that i need so much.
because you are a nice person.
because you might be the one i could have loved if i had met you earlier.
so much earlier.
you may be young but you are so much more mature in the way of your thinking.
me?
i am so confused i can't even understand my own logic.
but you could.
and you showed me the flaws of my thinking.
and i wish...oh how i wish i could give you what you are asking me.
but i can't.
i am already cheating on him.
i don't want to cheat him any further.
and i don' want to lose you.
i want the cake and eat it too.
you were right the first time.
i am selfish.
i never think about you or him.
i just think about myself.
it hurts when u say u might find somebody new.
but what right have i got to tell you no?
you are already sharing me with somebody else.
i should also share you with some other person.
but i can't bear the thought of you with someone else.
it hurts...so much.
i wonder how much it would hurt when you are no longer around me.
i never want to think that far.
but i have to prepare myself.
sooner or later you are going to leave me.
you are going to love another.
is this love?
it feels like love.
but how can i be in love with you...and him too?
i am miserable now.
i'm missing you so much.

aniz bytchin' at 12:43:00 AM

bytch starts here

over you

somebody sms me yesterday.
asking me out for a date this weekend.
somebody i went out 2 or 3 times before.
i would have accepted it before but now...
man, i'm over you.
i'm over that flirtatious mood.
dating you was like dating a 15-year-old kid.
i felt so old around you.
and i hate that.
you don't even have a dick size to compel me to see you.
i just purposely didn't reply my answer.
i hope you take that as a no.
definitely a big NO.
and as for you.
i had fun with you last week.
though i was cheating on him with you.
i don't know what came over you.
you were exceptionally affectionate.
and horny.
i wish i knew you were having an erection while i was dancing with you.
i would have loved to touch you there.
blog still not fully done yet.
damn lazy.
nobody is going to read it anyway.

aniz bytchin' at 6:13:00 AM

bytch starts here

major letdown

i was a letdown.
no doubt about it.
what did you expect?
i am the oldest virgin i know here.
didn't expect him to strip down to his briefs.
i was so mortifying embarrassed.
i couldn't look him in the face.
i wanted cuddles,hugs and hand-holding kind of sessions.
he wanted a sexual one.
i did give his fingers freedom to roam.
up to a certain limit.
at some point i was reminded of my love waiting for patiently at home.
and here i was cheating on him.
it suddenly dawned on me that whatever i was feeling was only an infatuation.
that was when he started to take his clothes off.
suspicion came sitting on my mind.
that he was tolerating me because he was after my cherry pie.
he had done it before.
i had asked him.
after yesterday my cherry is still intact.
no worries.
i don't just give it away just like that.
i don't know how i am going to face him the next i see him.
i don't think he even wants to see me.
i am thoroughly ashamed of myself.
about the fact that i was leading him on all this time.
that is, if what he said about falling for me is true.
which i doubt.
i don't understand what he sees in me.
no looks not much personality.
so what does he see when he lay his eyes on me?
he was disappointed.
i can see it his face.
in his eyes.
i am just as disappointed.
in him.
in me.
all i ever wanted was some TLC.
the good thing that came out of the catastrophe is that i realised who i really love.
who is the man i want.
the one i want to be for the rest of my life.
the one i want to have babies with.
and it's not him.
i am getting over my crush on him.

aniz bytchin' at 6:39:00 AM

bytch starts here

two-faced

at first i gave you two days' grace.
it has been eight days since.
i didn't hear from you until today.
maybe you did forget.
or maybe you purposely forgot because you took offence to what i said earlier.
you took offence because i told you the truth.
right?
people get riled up when the truth is shown to them.
you really wasn't there when i needed someone to to talk to.
i know you got your own life to live.
and it doesn't include me.
he told me it is a two-way thing.
it can't be whenever i call you, you were not alone.
forever busy.
i can't disrupt whatever it is you are doing.
you have never been a good listening anyway.
easily distracted.
i gave up telling you anything.
and i gave up the luxury of calling you.
maybe he was right not liking me.
i am all wrong for you.
that might also be the reason that with you i stood a step back.
reserved my feelings just a bit.
i am a loyal friend.
you lose out if you lose me.
i could have said i don't deserve you.
but it's the other way round.
isn't it?
and you called today.
telling me stuff someone else told you.
about me.
that is not a trait of a good friend.
if i were you i would have been angry.
for you.
but you are not.
i really am not interested to know.
but i found myself going over there and read.
count the times when you mention me.
in one hand?
i think i mention you more times than i care to count.
your message is quite unexpected.
because i never thought i would you from you again.
why don't you leave me alone?
after i settle what i owe you i will text you to say
"now i don't owe you anything".

aniz bytchin' at 8:19:00 PM

bytch starts here

heart to heart

i smsed u this morning.
i know you were on your way to work.
and i wish i was there beside you like i always am.
we talked some more.
and i told you all the things i did to forget you.
all in vain of course.
i know you were hurt by my confession.
i can't blame you.
but you can't blame me either.
i was confused then.
i didn't know what it was that i was feeling for you.
i still don't know.
and you were forever egging me on not to think of you.
but not anymore.
because finally you admit that you feel something for me too.
i do mean what i said just now.
i do care for you.
you are important to me.
i do wish i was given a chance to love you freely.
i do treasure you.
much more that it scares me.
beacuse in the end we both are going to be hurt by it all.
and hurt our partners too.
ignorance is blissfull.
what they don't know won't hurt them
i miss you.
i really do.
i wish i was there to kiss you.
for you to hold me close safely to you in your arms.
is this love?

aniz bytchin' at 8:30:00 AM

bytch starts here

unfaithful

it was just yesterday i promised myself i'll be faithful.
but the thought of seeing you today excites me.
it always do.
what gives?
i have to let you go sooner or later.
but i can't do it.
even if i want to.
i will have to go on hurting you.
and me in the process.
that still doesn't change the fact i adore you.

aniz bytchin' at 6:11:00 AM

bytch starts here

star-crossed lovers

still under renovation.
me a novice.
always.
fiddling with this template like forever.
template is nice though.
right?
have to say this.
we are doomed.
aren't we?
here we are having long overdue conversations.
via sms.
starting to know the other.
it came just a little too late.
but i am still interested.
in you.
is it love?
i don't know.
you don't either.
and i didn't want to push.
you did say you fall for me.
is that a bad thing?
it's not.
if we had met in another dimension.
when we are both singles.
all we have is memories.
that i would treasure for all time.
i do care for you.
but i am not leaving him for you.
he is everything to me.
can we enjoy each other for as long as we could?

aniz bytchin' at 1:04:00 AM